If...

If there is one thing i hate doing, its asking for money and or having to remind some one what i need that money. I don't like how it feels to ask or have to remind some one about money. Especially when i know i can't pay them back soon or at all. It makes me feel like...

If only people can remember, then they wouldn't have to tell me to my face that they don't have time to remember what i want or need. I know i have a lot of problems and i know people have problems of their own, but to tell some one straight up that you don't have the time to think about them, well that just sucks.

I mean i don't want to sound like the brat that I'm not but, it really hurts to hear that, especially when you think about their problems before your own. When you keep fucking telling your self "no not now i'll wait, i don't want to bother them now." and all you can say to me is " you don't have the time to worry about me." That's fine, I don't know why I'm crying, its not like you always had the time for me. Its not like you always smiled when i showed you anything i was proud of my self for doing, Its not like i wanted to ever hear from you those words, its not like i wanted a hug from you first without it having to be forced out of you! Its not like it didn't hurt when you would push me away when all i wanted was some fucking attention, Not a year not an hour i just wanted a couple of seconds of your fucking hard to live life. I never wanted or needed you anyways. its not like i love you at all.

If i could just speak up for my self what would i say? If i could finally raise my voice to those that let me down or treat me like shit, what would i say? What will i fucking do to show them that i don't want to hang my head anymore, that i want them to finally take their foot of my back and let me stand. What will i do? How can i tell them that when i cry its not because i feel sympathy for them but because i see my self in them so clearly its scary. I cry because I've been there and I've never gotten the Empathy i am showing you now. I don't want to cry for you, I'm crying because i hate my self for showing some goddamn love to a person that can't show shit to me! I'm crying because I'm so Fucking pathetic! Because a peace of shit like you doesn't deserve what I'm extending out to you! I'm crying because i feel that IF maybe, MAYBE, just maybe IF i help you i will help me. My unsolved problem that i just had to swallow down and keep walking with will hopefully be lifted and i can finally smile and not think about how much i regret not saying a goddamn word about it! Does it help? no, It just brings back hurt, embarrassment, agony and every single feeling that you don't want to feel, everything just comes back and Fucking tears apart my heart. If only i would have just told you something, If only it didn't hurt so much it made me bight my tongue in Shame.

Fuck what people say, "You are the one hurting your self, let it go" Fuck if i could let it go i would have done it along time ago! I can't forget! i can't, how will you forget something like what I've and other people I'm sure have gone through?! Its fucking stupid! "oh just let it go man you'll feel better" you know how many times i've tried and have heard this shit?! If i could i would man, its not as easy as you think. Talking to everyone except the people who did this to you is not helping. I just want some one to fucking for once tell me i'm right for hating everyone, i'm right for feeling this pain and wishing it was put on them. Not all this other crap like forgive and forget shit. Its all a bunch of Babylonia as i like to say. Its fucking stupid. 

I wish that some day i will finally let go of everything, that i will finally scream out everything and everyone that haunts the deepest depths of my cleansed soul. Let go of revenge and regret and just fall deep and deeper in to a dream in which pain and lose do not exist. 

IF only such a place existed. 
If only i could lose my memory and start over without knowing everyone and everything i know now.


Fuck i hate days like these