Sparks...

My name is not well know, My laugh is loud and mines, My voice is wild when with friends and clam when alone. My hair stands out which makes my face forgettable, I'm 19 and will be 20 next year.
Most girls my age have already dated 3 to 2 times already, I haven't had one person like me.
I spend most of my time daydreaming about a lovely life, a wonderful relationship, a place where I belong.  I picture the place I will meet this guy, I picture the second time we will see each other again.
As always I have to make these daydreams as real as I can.
I picture meeting this man I have named 'Toshi' for a lack of a better name or name creativity, because everyone knows how much creativity I have. Anyways, I picture it to be a January, nice fresh sunset in January, There would be fire works in the distance, I will be walking by my self, taking that time to reflect on my day and or the past year and set goals for the next. I will be probably, preferably, smiling. There would probably be water somewhere and the moon will be visible, as it tries its best to see the sun before it sets. I will spot him, there alone, possibly reflecting as well? He will look back at me and we will share a smile, a glance, maybe His smile could be inviting and we will talk? or maybe I will smile set a" Hello" his way, depending the day or night "happy new years" and we will part ways.

 I know I probably will not get that smile out of my head and I would like to see him again. No luck,   So maybe he is a musician? My life and creativity revolves around Music so bear with me. I will give up my search for that handsome smile and probably step in to some cafe with a little stage for playing music, the stage goes in to the wall come out about a foot, wooden floored and black walled stage with no door but 3 steps on the right to come down and go up. There will be a black old upright piano and a simple ruby drum set, one snare, one tom, a cymbal, hi hat, and bass.  Maybe just maybe when I walk in there to get a nice hot drink there is a little band playing, three guys. I will place my order and take my seat amongst the other ladies and gentlemen that seem to be entertained, There will be a voice on the mic and he will be the acoustic player and singer. My song of choice for this moment has to be Sparks, I look up at the stage after receiving my drink and there I will spot that gorgeous smile again.

I don't stick out in a crowed, My voice compared to other is but a whisper, My eyes are deep and full of wonder but my glasses will buffer their beauty. Amongst that sea of enchanted faces I will probably be looked at once and past up for the next face. Its only fare when you are a plain beauty like me, simple make up, nothing shinny that will attract the wrong attention, nothing showy or bright colored, just a plane beautiful girl in the back hiding my brilliant hair hidden under a grey knitted wool hat, not one of those that are tight but lose enough to fit your hair in. The song will end, the band will take a break, they will come down the steps and meet with happy faces amongst them there will be mine.

I will not get the guy, but I will see him again. I will turn around after getting one last good look at him and leave not sad but feeling some how accomplished.
Hey, I know these are my Daydreams but I have to keep them slightly realistic. Not saying that I will not be good enough for him, just saying that maybe that will not be my time to get the guy. Maybe if its right, we will meet again some other time.

But I will know for sure that I saw sparks.

Understand...

Its an awful feeling when you really want to say something but you can't, or you just can't put it in to words, that which you really mean.
Sometimes its not you but the person you are trying to talk to, They will not listen or they will not let you talk because they feel their opinion is better.
sometimes their opinion isn't any better and most of the times they don't know you as well as they think they do. They think they know you because they hear what they want to hear and not really what you have to say.
I wonder sometimes while i lay my head on my tear drenched pillow, "How many times did we try to have this conversation and it always ends up being the same thing? How many times has the words they said been the exact words they have said every other time you have this conversation? I wonder how many other times I held in my tears and turned away only to come out of this conversation that was suppose to make me feel better feeling worse?"
For ones let me talk goddamn it! Let me finish what I have to say if you really think you can listen as good as you say, Don't interrupt me with they same thing I heard last time!
Its not even the same problem.

I wish that she would just understand that when after we have our "talk" that I leave with a frog on my throat, sometimes thinking to my self if I open the window and jump out will she listen then? I wish that after those conversations I wouldn't have to turn to my music to make me feel better when its here that i want to make me feel better.

I know she is trying, I just wish she would try to listen more then just pick up one or two things and roll with it. "that what you are feeling i have felt before, i have gone through that before" really? If you really have gone though this before, why is it that you don't see that i feel just like you probably did.

Unheard.