have you ever...

Have you ever just sat your your computer and stared at the screen and wondered, "why do I bother?"
I feel this dead weight hanging off my face, My eyes feel heavy but the sleep never comes. My phone is ringing over and over and my ears can't take anymore of the noise. Laying there in a bed so cold in a lonely room staring at the wall before you wondering what life would be like if you were some one else.
You feel like you finally have given up on the only thing that made you happy, for everyone its a different kind of thing that made them happy, for me it was friendship.
I finally have given up on that which I cared so deeply for. I have finally become my mother.
I have finally made my self believe that I don't need family or friends, I only have my self, my beautifully dreadful self to live with. I'm starting to use "friends come and go but I stay with me for ever" and as much as I always knew it was true, I guess I just didn't want to give up on every one just yet, I wanted a chance to be proven wrong. Not saying all of them proved me right I just think its time I stop putting so much trust on those I want near me for along time.
Its sad because I don't want to live life knowing there is a distance between me and them. I'm hoping that wouldn't be the case and I plus love will find away.
Till I can forget, I will stare at the screen and think to my self, "why do I keep bothering? I know it is always the same every day... why bother?"